Prunes and Windex

My favorite joke of all time says, "I suffer from CDO. It's like OCD except all the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be." This makes me laugh so hard because it is way too close to home for me. For example, each of my housecleaning tasks are assigned a day of the week. The bathroom gets cleaned on Tuesdays. However, last night I put my littlest ones in the tub and, as I stood in the bathroom, I noticed a little lotiony handprint on the mirror. So I got out the windex and paper towels and washed the mirror. It was getting steamy in the bathroom, so I opened the window. It was looking dirty, so I grabbed my windex again and washed the window. As I was washing, I saw that someone had dribbled toothpaste in the sink. Putting away the windex, I reached for the clorox wipes and wiped down the sinks and countertop. Then, because I already had the wipes out, I wiped down the toilet. Meanwhile, my poor kiddos are turning to prunes in their tepid bathwater.

Why can't I channel this compulsive disorder to work where it needs to? Why do I not feel compelled in areas of my life that really matter? Why doesn't this same disorder work when it comes to being physically fit, or serving my neighbor, saying my prayers, or preparing meals for my family? Instead, it seems that things that really matter (kids in the tub, perhaps) get sidelined for details that are so insignificant. I'll work on that. For now, I think that the pizza delivery boy is here, and is that a spill under the kitchen table?...

confessions of a poser

As I showered this morning, I started to think about my body. Hard not to, in the shower. Thanks largely (no pun intended) to my heritage, my body is the baneful shape of a pear -- or a weeble-wobble. And, as the mother of four, my children have given me, along with many joys, five pounds each that are impossible to lose. I tried, this summer. In a show of rare self-discipline I awoke every morning this summer at 7 a.m. to walk -- sometimes briskly -- for three miles. Along with healthful eating (only a small bowl of ice cream at 11 p.m.) I was able to lose 15 pounds...It was all from my chest!! And what is most amazing about that is that I am sure I didn't have 15 pounds in that region to lose.

So, this morning, I was realizing how deceptive I am, or try to be. Why am I not content with the body God has given me? Instead, I try to alter or conceal every inch of it. I paint my toenails. I shave my legs, under arms and, on the rare occasion that I am convinced to venture into large bodies of water, other areas. I use magical lotions that turn my milk white legs into bronzed, shimmering appendages. I love nylons because they can make me look 10 pounds slimmer instantly and, when I don't wear nylons, I wear a girdle with my skirts. I have been accused of false advertising in reference to my heavily padded bras. I color my hair, wear 10 minutes of makeup and use a lip gloss that plumps my lips. And I secretly wish for a boob job. But rest assured that my nose is my own -- I have never altered my nose.